


Lying to myself

by eukkyun



Series: Self-hate to the max [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Sad, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, im really down today i dont know how to tag this, monsta x bad people here, outcasting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eukkyun/pseuds/eukkyun
Summary: Jooheon was already walking down the street to meet his friends at a café when Minhyuk told him that plans were cancelled. Everything from there was painful to feel.
Series: Self-hate to the max [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970188
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	Lying to myself

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a fan of these but  
> trigger warning  
> I don't really know if I write well enough to be able to hurt with my words but just in case  
> -Outcasting  
> -Auto deprecating  
> -Self-hate  
> -Probably he is depressed, but I don't know.  
> 

“I’m almost there” I sent a text to the group chat. No one answered. I imagined that everyone was already at the café waiting, I was arriving on time. A message came through. It was Minhyuk, on our private chat “Plans were cancelled, go back home” What? and no one said anything on the group chat? How come I was the only one who didn’t know? “I guess I’ll go home, Do you have anything to do today?” Minhyuk didn’t read the message. I imagined he was busy now, and probably the whole evening. I kept on walking, feeling someone must be there. It couldn’t be that I was the only one who was oblivious. _“Ok, I’ll go home if none’s here,”_ I told myself approaching the door. Looking around I couldn’t see anyone from my group of friends there. Maybe I really was the only one who wasn’t notified. I would just take a coffee to go. I walked all the way there for nothing either way. I went to wait in line, looking at my phone, on and off on and off, the screen would feel dizzy if it could feel. I had no messages, no notifications. I still went on and on unblocking my phone trying to see if it was that I didn’t have a good connection, or if I forgot to turn on the internet. It was just that nobody was talking to me, or in any of the groups I was in. It felt weird, in a sense, I was the only one in the café, the only one that didn’t know that plans were cancelled, just me. Yeah, it wasn’t a great feeling. Added to the fact that inside of me I wanted to try and stay for a bit in the café, drink my coffee happily in a little table near the back, just how everyone like to spend time. I didn’t have a book or school notes with me to spend the time, but I wanted to try. I looked again around the café. No, I wouldn’t try, everyone had someone by their side, friends, family, girlfriends, boyfriends. No, I wouldn’t, I wasn’t ready to face the reality all alone, and sit lonely by myself with the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I should do as if I was waiting for someone because the only act of being there alone felt like a sin, something I couldn’t do without people looking judging. I approached the person behind the counter, asked for a coffee, and waited by the end of it with some other people, ready to flee when the cup touched my cold hands.

I stared at the door. The only place where it felt right to look at steadily into without seeming like a creep. After a moment a group of people came through it. I focused my eyes on them, my stomach feeling sick at the same time that my name was called loudly by one of the waiters. I extended my hands to take the cup with the lightest thanks leaving my lips. My head down, almost as if I was born torn and bent over, my spine curved sickly. Some of those who entered went directly to a table, a big one, moving around chairs until there were 6 of them surrounding the table. They all sat, while two of the group waited in line to make their friends orders. I walked past them. They didn’t notice. Was I thankful or hurt? I didn’t know, I reached the door and went outside. The hot that spread like wildfire on my cheeks a contrast to the cold of the streets, I looked over the windows of the café. Minhyuk talked happily moving the phone in his hands around. I kept staring, hoping they would see me if I stayed there long enough. Then Kihyun and Hyungwon went back to their table with six different beverages in hand. Minhyuk looked at his phone. I quickly got mine out, waiting. For what? I message saying “ _come back, we made it work”_ but nothing came. I could only watch at the little “online” sign under Minhyuk’s name on my phone. Again, if I waited for enough... would the ticks turn blue? Would it change to “writing…”? It didn’t for several minutes. Minhyuk left his phone aside, in favour of hugging Changkyun who seemed he was joking with Shownu and Wonho.

I didn’t want to cry, as I looked away starting to move my feet. My jaw tensed until it tickled as if I had cramps, my nose itched for a second before my lips turned into a full pout leaving my chin looking like a nut. My eyes felt heavy, full of tears, I couldn’t see where I was going until I blinked a few times to let the tears run down my cheeks. I walked directly to my flat. I didn’t want to make the stupid way around it, where there was a park, because only in movies people are stupid enough to cry in public places without others looking at them with disgust. Or maybe it was just me that I looked so bad while crying that people didn’t even want to come near me. The sudden memory of one specific moment, so long ago that was ready to come with full force when sadness covered me.

Wonho once looked at me with almost closed eyes and a grimace of disgust in his face while I cried my heart out on how sad the movie we were watching was.— I was more crying because of how I could extrapolate the horrors in the main characters life to mine, than the actions on the movie itself—. But I was crying either way. “Why are you crying,” he said, it seemed as if he was asking me, with a soft tone and as if it wasn’t obvious that others were crying too. “I don’t know, it’s sad,” I said. Then I heard Shownu answer too. Wonho wasn’t really asking me then, he didn't care about the little whimpers and sobs that scaped me while I hugged myself as no one came to comfort me. What hurt me was that he really was burning his eyes on me, full of something I didn’t want to be true.

I closed the main door when I finally arrived home, stripped from my coat and went straight to my room leaving the coffee on the nightstand. I lied on the bed covered in my duvet, that I wish had the same warmth as a human body... Which I couldn’t try to imagine because... I could not remember how it was. Had I ever been spooned when I was sad? Had I been cuddled to sleep by someone I loved?

I couldn’t remember.

No, that was a lie.

It had never happened. None had done that to me.

It didn't help that It burnt in my stomach when Wonho asked Hyungwon to cuddle with him after classes in their shared apartment. Or when Changkyun said he liked how Shownu hugged him when it was cold while they were watching a movie. It hurt, to feel so lonely.

I felt bad that I was making as a fuss of a simple misunderstanding. They didn’t forget about me, did they? It had happened a few times before, well maybe more on a daily basis, but it didn’t mean that my… friends? Loved me any less. It was just a misunderstanding.

It was a misunderstanding.

That’s what it was

They love me

They just forgot…

My heart was punching angrily my ribcage, my nose was runny, and my eyes burned from the tears stuck in my eyes.

I picked up my phone from— I don’t really know where it was inside my little ball—. I wanted to send a message to the group chat. _“I…”_ I stopped. I wanted to bite them, be sarcastic, but should I really be sarcastic about what happened? No, that would be trying to manipulate them. What if I said that I went there and didn’t see them, it would also be trying to manipulate their feelings into feeling pity. I couldn’t.

I wrote a few times more some lines, feeling as I was just seeking for attention, which I actually needed, but they never gave me. When I was joking it felt like a joke, so everyone walked around it. When I really needed attention, after being 5 days on my own, without them giving any signal or just that I couldn’t afford to go outside. When I needed their love they joked saying “same” “ I wish too” and then disappeared again, maybe cuddling each other to sleep while I was lying in bed for hours, crying myself to sleep while I hugged a giant sitting lion plushie. I put its arms around me and imagined it was someone real, a beautiful person that genuinely loved me, I wanted it to be Minhyuk most of the time, others Shownu, who I had a giant crush on, but never really learnt to differentiate if it was just my mind tricking me into thinking that politeness meant romantic interest, so I tried to keep myself out of his path.

While I tried to sleep, I usually imagined different scenarios, as everyone does. Ones where Shownu came to my class and told me he wanted to study with me with a beautiful smile that made me blush. Others where we were on a date walking by the river. Once I tried to imagine what it would be having him hugging me to sleep. Until I thought of his hands touching me, cold and inhuman, another time it turned bad; I imagined that we were about to make love and he looked at my naked body up and down thinking while he looked at my big thighs or my not very healthy tummy. It made me cry more, thinking that I was disgusting, hateful, full of myself, that not even in my wildest dreams Shownu would like me the way that I liked him, that he would choose someone good-looking, someone, worth his attention. That I didn’t deserve anything that I was given, that I should be thankful that Shownu still stayed around even when he probably hated me, that I should be thankful that they kept me on their group chat, even if they ignored my texts and for what it seemed, didn’t invite me to their plans anymore.

Yes

I should be thankful.

Thankful that Minhyuk tried to get me to go home, saying they weren’t going so I wouldn’t walk up on them leaving me out. It was nice of him, Minhyuk was nice. They were nice.

I opened kakao again, left the chat, deleted conversations with them, and looked at the photos I had with them, making myself nauseous that the last photo we had together was from the start of our first year, four years ago, when we met. My stomach was really upset with my thoughts, and how again I remembered the profile photo of the group chat was of them on Kihyun’s birthday, that I didn’t attend as they didn’t tell me about it.

Another thought emerged, how they forgot about my birthday, they told me they were so focused on Kihyun’s birthday preparatives that they forgot. They told me that I should have told them, that it was my fault because I didn’t tell them it was my birthday. I apologized and apologized again when they brought it up. I couldn’t understand why I needed to tell them when I remembered all their birthdays. Changkyun told me that I should have told them, that I was just too up my own butt that I thought everyone was going to leave their lives just to be with me when no one would do that. I understood then that he was right, they had busy lives, and I was selfish thinking they would spend my birthday with me.

I moved around on the bed and tried to sleep for a bit. But I couldn’t, I hit the bed with my feet and my fists, I yelled to the air that I was stupid and hateful. I took my phone in my hands again. No, no messages, it was like my phone was dead. _“Hey, do you want to hang out this weekend?”_ I was ready to send it when again I thought that it was creeping on my part to ask them to go out while they were having a good time together. I was just going to bother them.

That was what I was, a bother.

A burden they had to carry.

I pushed my face into the pillows and try to tell myself out loud between hiccups, “Don’t worry” “things change” “ I will graduate this year” “I will do my master” “and then I will live my own life, I don’t need them, they don’t need me” “Someone somewhere will love me”

I started to drift to sleep, my coffee cold and unmoving on my nightstand, and the last words I remember thinking about before falling asleep. “No one really will ever love me, I’m disgusting and manipulative, a hateful person,” I told myself.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't mean to say in this story that the characters of the rest of the Monsta X hate Jooheon, but that they are indifferent, which hurts more than outward hate. People that are indifferent to you won't help you, won't bother to feel anything towards you and that is one of the things that hurts the most when you though someone loved you. To learn that you don't mean anything to them, that they won't make any space in their hearts or lives for you. Because they simply don't care enough. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


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